


Let Me Feel

by Shadow_Keeper



Category: Mystic Messenger (Video Game)
Genre: Self Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-08
Updated: 2016-10-08
Packaged: 2018-08-20 00:59:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,667
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8230729
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shadow_Keeper/pseuds/Shadow_Keeper
Summary: Sarah wasnt the last to use any means necessary to be with Jumin. You knew that, but it still hurt to see the tabloids agreeing that you werent good enough, rich enough, famous enough to be with Jumin. But what could you do? You held no power. Well, there was one thing you had power over...





	

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! First, let me give a shout out to my lovely beta little-werewolf-tori over at tumblr, without whom I never would've finished this, let alone have it turn out as good as it did. Many, MANY thanks are owed. Anyways, there is some self harm in this so proceed with caution if the makes you squirm a bit. This is my first contribution to the MM fandom, and my first fic that im posting ever! So there's that, um, I hope you guys enjoy! Please leave a like or a comment if you enjoyed it! Feedback is always welcome as I'm always striving to improve! Have fun~!

You knew he wasn’t cheating on you. He had proven that he wasn’t when he dealt with Sarah. This was just the attempt of some girl trying to get rich using less than acceptable means. But they almost had a point. Didn’t he deserve someone better than you? Didn’t he deserve someone who could go to company parties without having their hands shake the entire time? Someone who could keep their cool and not have their emotions scattered all over the place?  


You sighed as you thought about all that he deserved and all that you weren’t.  


_“I have no idea why he’s with me… I’m nothing. I’m never going to amount to anything. He needs someone he can grow with, someone who can help him with anything and everything. I can barely help myself.”_  


With these thoughts swirling in your head, you don’t even realize that you’re reaching for the box that you keep hidden under the bed. Memories of nights exactly like this one, where all you could think about was how worthless you were and the release that the blade would give you rushed through your mind, hampering any effort to pull yourself out of the slowly mounting wave of depression. Your only release then had been in this unassuming box, and in the clarity its contents gave you.  


Before you can register what you're doing, you already have the box open, a razor in your hand, the blade poised above the skin on your forearm. You hesitate for a moment, knowing there’s no turning back once you’ve brought the blade to your skin. You won’t be able to stop once you feel that first cut. You picture the news article again with agonizing clarity.  


**“Jumin Han With a New Girl? Jumin Han, Director of the company C &R, was reportedly seen with none other than Rachael Hyun, owner of Rachael’s Restaurant. When asked, Rachael gave us the following comment: “Jumin is a wonderful man who certainly knows how to treat a lady. I love spending time with him.” It seems love is in the air for the two business owners. But where does this leave Jumin’s current love interest, MC? It seems Jumin’s had the realization that love does not equal social standing, and that a man of his position shouldn’t be wasting his time with a low class subpar woman. We look forward to the relationship of Jumin and Rachael!”**  


_“They make it sound like it’s a painless break, just the logical thing to do.”_ You think to yourself. _“And isn’t it? Shouldn’t he end it now, while there’s still time?”_  


With this thought you bring the blade down so it touches skin. You take a breath and slowly drag it across, relishing in the sharp pain it brings. The relief you feel is deep and followed by a sense of calm, causing you to let out a sigh. Quickly you bring the blade back down again, cutting with precision. One, two, three...you lose count of how many times the razor parts your skin. The blood quickly wells in the cuts you’ve made, coursing down your arm and making it almost impossible to see where to cut. You set the blade down and move to the bathroom that’s adjoined to the room you share with Jumin. Standing in front of the sink, you begin to rinse the wounds you’ve made, wincing at the sting of water as it touches the cuts. You move to grab a towel when a voice stops you in your tracks.  


“MC?”  


_“Shit,”_ you think, not turning around.  


“What are you doing?”  


Your hear his footsteps grow closer and you wait, unmoving, not knowing what to do. You’re caught and you know it. How the hell are you going to explain your way out of this one? The footsteps stop once they’re right behind you. You flinch when you feel him put his hand on your shoulder.  


“MC? Whats going on? Why won’t you look at me?”  


He slowly turns you around until you’re facing him. You keep your eyes trained on the ground, arms pressed to your stomach to try and hide the damage, ignoring the slick feeling of blood soaking your shirt. Gently, he takes one of your hands, pulling it away from your body and turning your wrist up. You hear him suck in a breath, and then his hand is tilting your chin up, his eyes searching.  


“Why? Why would you do this to yourself?” His voice breaks on the last word. You’ve never seen him look like this. So vulnerable, the pain in his eyes as clear as the cuts on your skin. You meet his gaze with your own but you have no words. How can you explain that the only way to get the pain out is to make it physical? If it stays inside it gets messy, so you have to let it out.  


“MC talk to me. Please.” His gaze searches yours, looking for answers that you don’t know how to give. Your heart breaks as you stare back helplessly. He looks so...Lost. Unable to understand, not knowing what to do. Realizing that you’re not going to speak, he pulls you into his chest and wraps his arms around you. Lowering his head he spoke, the emotion in his voice barely kept in check, “MC, I love you so much. If I ever lost you, I- I wouldn’t know what to do.”  


Hearing him say that, you feel your composure start to break. You choke back a sob, trying not to shake. You feel his arms tighten around you. “MC please, let me help you. Please.” You feel something wet against your cheek, pulling away, you turn your head to look, only to see tears spilling from his eyes..  


_“I’m doing this to him,”_ you think, staring at his face. _“Look at what I’m doing to him. I’m hurting him. I’m the one who should hurt, not him. He hasn’t done anything to deserve this.”_  


“Jumin...I’m so sorry…”  


He looks at you, confused. “Why are you apologizing? I should be the one to say sorry. Sorry for not noticing sooner. For not realizing that you were struggling. You have nothing to apologize for.” He takes your face into his hands and leans his forehead against yours. “Whatever you are going through, I will always be here for you. My only wish is for you to be happy.” The look on his face can only be described as pure love, love for you of all people.  


“Jumin,” you breathe. “Pl- please don’t cry.” You reach a hand out to wipe his tears, and he catches it in his own. Slowly he brings your hand to his lips, pressing a gentle kiss to your fingers.  


“MC, don’t you understand? I can’t be happy when the one I hold dearest is falling apart. I can’t be happy when I can’t help, when I don’t understand how to help.” He paused, swallowing hard for a second. “You’re my whole world MC, I can’t lose you.”  


Hearing that breaks whatever shred of control you had left. In less than a second, you’re sobbing. Shoulders shaking, you let yourself fall into his embrace, the stinging insides of your arms pressed to your chest in an attempt to sooth the pain. You hiss in response to the pressure and Jumin responds instantly, pulling you close and bringing you to his chest. His hand goes to your head, stroking your hair for a moment before helping you to your feet.  


“Come here,” He whispers, lifting you gently onto the sink. He carefully takes your arm and lays it across your lap. After reaching into the cabinet to grab the medical kit, he begins to wipe away the blood, being gentle around the torn edges of your skin.While he works, you start to regain control, the sobs turning into sniffles, and the calm turning into a deep exhaustion. You watch silently as he cleans your wounds and wraps your in arm in a white bandage.  


He lifts his eyes from your arm, still holding your hand, and turns his gaze to yours. Silently, you stare at him, trying to read his expression. Not knowing what he’s thinking you take in a breath to speak.  


“Jumin I-” You’re interrupted by him wrapping you up in his arms, holding you tightly like he’s afraid you’ll disappear. Slowly, you raise your arms to hug him back. You sit there, holding each other, until Jumin speaks.  


“I can’t lose you MC. Please, I’ve only just started to feel, I want to keep loving you. You’re the only one who makes me feel this way.”  


“...I’m so sorry Jumin. I-I never wanted to hurt you.” You pull back a little so you can look in his eyes. “Please...forgive me, I never want to make you look like that again.”  


“There’s nothing to forgive, love, I just want you to feel better.”  


With that, he places an arm around your waist, helping you stand and beginning to move you both towards the bed. Leaving you to sit on the edge of the bed, he searched through the dressers, grabbing one of his shirts that he knows you love. As he returned, you slowly lifted your arms, tugging your bloody shirt off and trying to avoid getting caught on the bandages. Slipping his own shirt over your head, Jumin leans in, pressing a kiss to your forehead.  


“C’mon.” He whispers, moving onto the bed behind you and pulling you close. Your body feels numb, but you can feel the pain from your arms and the panic from earlier sends tremors through your body.  


Feeling you shake, Jumin tightens his hold.  


“Shhh, it’s ok. I’ve got you.” He presses his lips to your head, planting a kiss there. “I’ll always have you.”  


Hearing him say that, you relax, feeling a small bit of hope that together, you can both be happy.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you guys liked it! I'm most likely going to expand on this, with a few chapters preceding and a few following this one. Also, if anyone can help me with learning how to edit that would be wonderful?? I seriously spent like a day trying to figure out how to edit the HTML and shit so it could look halfway like I wanted it to, so if anyone could give me some advice I'd greatly appreciate it!!


End file.
